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Post by Jacob (sin13j) on Mar 12, 2013 13:56:00 GMT -5
So I'm wrighting a story about the pwn set a fuw years from now. I wold like some input this is what i ahve so far. PWN ch 1. Wings Everyone has wings. This sounded completely observed when Emily first told it to me. This is the story of how fond the sky fell from it. My name is Josh Wise and i am just like everyone else during the day but at night I grow wings and sore thru the air. it started the day that my best friend Emily moved back to ret from New York. I haven’t left ret which is a s mall city outside of Georgia and Florida that you won’t find on any map, so the rest of the world is kind of lost on me all that i know about it I’ve seen on TV so when she left I had mixed felling because in my 17 years we haven’t been apart from each other for more than a day at a time so when she came back from being gone for over a year and barley staying in contact it was the happiest news id heard in a long time. I got the new s on a Wednesday sitting in chemistry class lisning to Mr. Bole lector about light particles when i got a test from Emily telling me to be at the mall at 8:00 that night because she was coming in to town. "This is bull where the heck is she its 8:15?" AS soon as I grumbled this I saw a group of people on roller blades headed done the street at really high speeds nit holding up from people but in steed they leapt the rail that dropped off from the street in to a 15ft drop(the mall is set at a slant so there is rails to protect people form going over the side cause they don’t know that there’s a drop off the other end)"Hay Josh long time no see" this cry came from the girl leading the pack she was dressed in army style cameo pants and a black tank top but what thru me off was the pink spiked hear that looked like someone thru a poodle on an electric fence and then stuck it on her head. I didn’t realize who it was till she and the rest of the group was right up on me. This weird girl was her, its Emily."Is that you Emily what the hell happened to your hair? Where have you been? Who are the rest of this entire people? Why the hell haven’t you called?" "woe woe woe hold it there well get to that later but right now we need your help right now we have a battle in 10 min and we need an extra person are fifth member couldn’t come so come on and get these skates on" one of the people in the back thru a backpack at me and it landed with a thump on the ground" But I haven’t skated since we were kids how am I supposed to help with whatever you want me to do” "We just need a fifth person to run for us and I’ll give you a present if you do" "Fine where are we going to do this thing and how do we do it" "Jest get the skates on and ill explain on the way" I unzipped the back pack and pulled out the skates. The skates had a red cuff, black frames, with rock killer gen 3 wheels, and a os black remz boot. After strapped them on and got up they all started skating off. Emily stopped turned around and said" I welcome to THE FALLEN ANGELS and the parts war now let’s go before we get disqualified." this is going to be a long night I can tell now.
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Post by Shadow on Mar 12, 2013 14:18:13 GMT -5
Firstly, man, check it thoroughly, you have some massive grammar problems.
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Post by Darcia (Shrike) on Mar 12, 2013 15:13:23 GMT -5
Well, for one, you do need to fix your grammar - It isn't horribly unreadable, but it is pretty difficult to work out what you're trying to say. For example:
"it started the day that my best friend Emily moved back to ret from New York. I haven’t left ret which is a s mall city outside of Georgia and Florida that you won’t find on any map, so the rest of the world is kind of lost on me all that i know about it I’ve seen on TV so when she left I had mixed felling because in my 17 years we haven’t been apart from each other for more than a day at a time so when she came back from being gone for over a year and barley staying in contact it was the happiest news id heard in a long time."
"it started" You need a capital letter here, since it's the start of a new sentence.
"the day that my best friend Emily moved back to ret from New York." "ret" is a place, so it should also be capitalised - Ret
"I haven’t left ret which is a s mall city outside of Georgia and Florida that you won’t find on any map, so the rest of the world is kind of lost on me all that i know about it I’ve seen on TV so when she left I had mixed felling because in my 17 years we haven’t been apart from each other for more than a day at a time so when she came back from being gone for over a year and barley staying in contact it was the happiest news id heard in a long time."
This is a really, really big sentence. Now, big sentences aren't always bad, but they do need breaks through punctuation, such as full stops and commas, to name the simpler ones. This is because we write as if somebody was reading it out loud, and thus breaks are needed to stop the speaker from asphyxiating.
All in all, there are quite a few mistakes that need rectifying, which I've corrected and coloured in red. A lot of them can be fixed by proof reading, and by practising your writing.
"It started the day that my best friend Emily moved back to Ret from New York. I haven’t left Ret ,which is a small city outside of Georgia and Florida (that you won’t find on any map) so the rest of the world is kind of lost on me. All that I know about it is that which I’ve seen on TV, so when she left I had mixed feelings, because in my 17 years we haven’t been apart from each other for more than a day at a time, So when she came back ,being gone for over a year (barely staying in contact). It was the happiest news I'dd heard in a long time."
I have to say, though, that your writing does show potential, so keep at it, and you'll get better in time!
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Post by Andy (vampfrog) on Mar 12, 2013 15:16:46 GMT -5
i like it seems like a good start to an adventure only thing i can think of is work on is showing not telling instead of explaining why there is a drop use words to make the reader see the drop things like faded to the darkness below the sound of there blades gliding on the the ground below only came minutes latter these ex. arent the best but u get what im saying i hope haha keep writing VF
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Post by Jacob (sin13j) on Mar 13, 2013 11:10:26 GMT -5
sorry for the grammer i know i got to fix that this is jest a first draft and i plan on rewrighting it later with all the corections and thanks for the imput VF
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Post by Deleted on Mar 13, 2013 17:46:19 GMT -5
Well, for one, you do need to fix your grammar - It isn't horribly unreadable, but it is pretty difficult to work out what you're trying to say. For example: "it started the day that my best friend Emily moved back to ret from New York. I haven’t left ret which is a s mall city outside of Georgia and Florida that you won’t find on any map, so the rest of the world is kind of lost on me all that i know about it I’ve seen on TV so when she left I had mixed felling because in my 17 years we haven’t been apart from each other for more than a day at a time so when she came back from being gone for over a year and barley staying in contact it was the happiest news id heard in a long time." "it started" You need a capital letter here, since it's the start of a new sentence. "the day that my best friend Emily moved back to ret from New York." "ret" is a place, so it should also be capitalised - Ret "I haven’t left ret which is a s mall city outside of Georgia and Florida that you won’t find on any map, so the rest of the world is kind of lost on me all that i know about it I’ve seen on TV so when she left I had mixed felling because in my 17 years we haven’t been apart from each other for more than a day at a time so when she came back from being gone for over a year and barley staying in contact it was the happiest news id heard in a long time." This is a really, really big sentence. Now, big sentences aren't always bad, but they do need breaks through punctuation, such as full stops and commas, to name the simpler ones. This is because we write as if somebody was reading it out loud, and thus breaks are needed to stop the speaker from asphyxiating. All in all, there are quite a few mistakes that need rectifying, which I've corrected and coloured in red. A lot of them can be fixed by proof reading, and by practising your writing. " It started the day that my best friend Emily moved back to Ret from New York. I haven’t left Ret ,which is a small city outside of Georgia and Florida (that you won’t find on any map ) so the rest of the world is kind of lost on me . All that I know about it is that which I’ve seen on TV , so when she left I had mixed feelings, because in my 17 years we haven’t been apart from each other for more than a day at a time , So when she came back ,being gone for over a year (barely staying in contact ). It was the happiest news I'dd heard in a long time." I have to say, though, that your writing does show potential, so keep at it, and you'll get better in time! for some reason idk why but why does everyone care about grammar all of a sudden i mean come on people no need to hate on someone with bad grammar same for you shadow no need to hate on his grammar
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stopped in for a six month check in
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Post by Olde Skoole on Mar 13, 2013 21:46:19 GMT -5
I'm a freaking spelling nazi spell it right or gtfo!
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Post by Andy (vampfrog) on Mar 13, 2013 22:14:40 GMT -5
i agree grammar isnt a big deal just like not everyone knows how to do calculus (my aunt needed a calculator to do 200+740+200.... same as (20+20+74)10 or at least that's how i do it in my head) not every on is that great at English (one of the hardest languages supposedly)
VF
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Post by Ness on Mar 13, 2013 22:36:52 GMT -5
It most certainly is, being incredibly inconsistent in its rules, and having been based off many different languages in a perfect (sarcasm) blend of several ancestral cultures. I've always considered myself a bit of a novice scholar in the ways of the English language, and I used to be a huge grammar and spelling nazi, but I've dropped that over time, for the most part.
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Post by aTRIX on Mar 13, 2013 23:09:20 GMT -5
i love spelling nazi's especially who rage on words such as there thier your yours and other words dont mind me when it comes to spelling i tend to troll unless its an essay paper...then thats a different thing
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stopped in for a six month check in
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Post by Olde Skoole on Mar 14, 2013 0:03:33 GMT -5
I got up to the part where the lept in the air and had to stop cause the spelling is atrocious man, nice concept but bad form
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Post by Darcia (Shrike) on Mar 14, 2013 1:52:59 GMT -5
For the record, I was only trying to help. Personally, I do think grammar is a fairly big deal, but if what I did is considered offensive, them no problem - Won't do it again.
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Post by Shadow on Mar 14, 2013 3:28:36 GMT -5
Wow, wow, wow, stop right there, Dwarfrunner. Now, where have you read out that I hate his work just because of grammar mistakes? Quote please.
I'm not a grammar nazi or anything. Just it's more pleasant to read something grammatically correct than just a whole load of slang and that kind of stuff. To say more, it's even much easier to read, especially for someone like me, who's native language isn't English.
Everything is fine as long as it is understandable.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 14, 2013 10:00:23 GMT -5
For the record, I was only trying to help. Personally, I do think grammar is a fairly big deal, but if what I did is considered offensive, them no problem - Won't do it again. no no it wasn't offensive i was just speaking my mind is all
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Post by Deleted on Mar 14, 2013 10:02:40 GMT -5
Wow, wow, wow, stop right there, Dwarfrunner. Now, where have you read out that I hate his work just because of grammar mistakes? Quote please. I'm not a grammar nazi or anything. Just it's more pleasant to read something grammatically correct than just a whole load of slang and that kind of stuff. To say more, it's even much easier to read, especially for someone like me, who's native language isn't English. Everything is fine as long as it is understandable. i wasn't saying you hate his work you just hate his spelling not the story itself i did not read that you hated his work just his grammar is all
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